I'm growing very uncomfortable at the thought of being around people. If I want to go somewhere, I have to deal with the fact that there will be people there. I don't do crowds. I don't like seeing so many faces. I don't like so much noise. Unless I have to when distractions are being seeked.

Do I smell a social phobia? Sociophobia. Probably not. I do have some kind of phobia, probably a couple more. I'm afraid of large bodies of water. Hydrophobia. Fear of water. But I'm not afraid of water alone. I'm afraid of things such as lakes or oceans. Just thinking about the depth of the ocean makes me a bit uneasy.

Back to sociophobia. I do dislike people but I don't fear them. I can't really ignore people. I still don't know how I got through and how I still get through being around people. I always tend to feel fake around others. And no, I don't plan on seeking a professional. I did that once for a different reason but it wasn't my choice. I still can't believe that I actually went through it. It was a favor that I couldn't reject because it would have been rude. I'm still surprised that this world has enough space for everyone, enough space that we can call our own, and that it's not overcrowded enough that we have trouble breathing. It's very much surprising.

So much effort, just to exist.

Until then, you have to live with yourself
Until then, you have to live with yourself

Surprisingly necessary indeed, but it gets tiring and confusing too.

"No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."
- The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne

Sometimes it feels like three. Faces. Be what you feel, sounds and certainly feels like the most just way to go, yet it never really turns out well enough. Another face has to be created, it becomes surprisingly necessary, to keep it all intact or to at least give the illusion that it is.

Some things that make up life are essential and other things aren't. Or maybe nothing really is. I don't like being stuffed ideas of a normal life all the time, that I'm somehow going to be destined to follow one way or another, like everyone else has. I'm not meant to be led out to a path that everyone has already followed. I don't want to be stuffed anymore.

Choosing by not choosing.

I was congratulated today, on something that I should've learned to do a long time ago and I just replied with an unsatisfactory smile.

It was either Wednesday or Thursday, when I saw a very unique hairdo or if not then just some unique hair. It was as if little tiny skunks were sitting on the top of his head. Little waves of black and white. At first I thought they were just nicely placed white hairs but I kept on looking, luckily he didn't notice. And it just looked a bit too perfect. So I just guessed he must of gotten himself a hairdo. Personally, it wasn't my kind of taste but if he liked it then that's no business of mine. I was just being curious.

On a similar note, I don't care about appearance; I don't want to care about appearance.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about.

It's just so damn easy to be influenced by what is being portrayed as beautiful nowadays. You see it everywhere, this machine that keeps polluting magazines, billboards and store stands. Fair skin and colored eyes. Oh and let's not forget weight. It's nothing new but I just can't help at being sick whenever I see it all. I don't want to be forced to care about appearance. But one way or another, I am.

... It does help if you're rich and beautiful, sometimes.